The Tale of The Screaming M*therf*cker

I live in suburbia. When I moved here 11 years ago I felt like Edward Scissorhands except there was no castle up on the hill. I could relate to his stunned look as he looked at the small trees and vinyl wonderland. I had lived in slums and old pads for the last 20 years. I grew up in suburbia but that was a long time ago in a faraway place called Knollwood Manor. I have 4 kids living at this house. The 4 year old and the 9 year old love to play in our sort of secluded driveway on Tricycles, Bikes and scooters. We had two razor scooters that were old and beat up. They sat out in the weather for years but they still worked well. One night somebody stole them out of our driveway. This caused some distress and much discussion amongst the family. The 4-year would walk around saying loudly “someone stole the scooters”. The 9 year old would mourn the loss of scooters. One early evening a bout a week later the 9-year runs into the living room in a panic shouting “someone is stealing our tricycles.” I was pissed about the scooters and thought these guys must be back. I was going to get them. I tore to front door and couldn’t get it unlocked fast enough. I ran out the front door and down the sidewalk screaming; I’m gonna kick your ass you m*ther f*ckers! I was trying to scare the hell out the robbers to gain an upper hand and hopefully they would drop the trikes and run. Well, the robber turned out to be a 3 year old down the street neighbor. Her parents and two siblings were standing in my neighbor’s driveway talking to my next-door neighbors. There I was, a wild haired, alienated musician type screaming obscenities. I stopped in my tracks and started apologizing immediately. I am still embarrassed. The neighbors were very cool about it and have continued to wave at me in the suburban way. They even sent us a Christmas Card. The kids didn’t even know what was going on but man oh man. Too much time in iffy neighborhoods for me. I have used this defense before and it works but this time I cringe with the memory.