The Tale of The Screaming M*therf*cker

I live in suburbia. When I moved here 11 years ago I felt like Edward Scissorhands except there was no castle up on the hill. I could relate to his stunned look as he looked at the small trees and vinyl wonderland. I had lived in slums and old pads for the last 20 years. I grew up in suburbia but that was a long time ago in a faraway place called Knollwood Manor. I have 4 kids living at this house. The 4 year old and the 9 year old love to play in our sort of secluded driveway on Tricycles, Bikes and scooters. We had two razor scooters that were old and beat up. They sat out in the weather for years but they still worked well. One night somebody stole them out of our driveway. This caused some distress and much discussion amongst the family. The 4-year would walk around saying loudly “someone stole the scooters”. The 9 year old would mourn the loss of scooters. One early evening a bout a week later the 9-year runs into the living room in a panic shouting “someone is stealing our tricycles.” I was pissed about the scooters and thought these guys must be back. I was going to get them. I tore to front door and couldn’t get it unlocked fast enough. I ran out the front door and down the sidewalk screaming; I’m gonna kick your ass you m*ther f*ckers! I was trying to scare the hell out the robbers to gain an upper hand and hopefully they would drop the trikes and run. Well, the robber turned out to be a 3 year old down the street neighbor. Her parents and two siblings were standing in my neighbor’s driveway talking to my next-door neighbors. There I was, a wild haired, alienated musician type screaming obscenities. I stopped in my tracks and started apologizing immediately. I am still embarrassed. The neighbors were very cool about it and have continued to wave at me in the suburban way. They even sent us a Christmas Card. The kids didn’t even know what was going on but man oh man. Too much time in iffy neighborhoods for me. I have used this defense before and it works but this time I cringe with the memory.

the day the christmas tree fell

Christmas Time is Here so the song says. Man oh man the kids run around about to jump out of their skins.
We got the tree Friday. David the 18 year old didn't go this time. Me, Sarah 14, Madeline 9 and Liza 4 went off in my Vibe to get the tree. The tree place is the same one we go to every year. They drill holes in the trunk of the tree so you can put it on their stand. I bought the stand. They work pretty well and are the easiest yet. So Liza runs all over the place for 15 minutes or so and then we get the bet tree. It is a big fat white pine. We go home and I put it up.
Then I drink some and put on lights. The tree is pretty stable I think. I won't tie it off this time. I usually put some string around the trunk and tie it to the wall so it won't fall. The kids put the decorations on and it looked quite splendid indeed. Saturday was just another rainy day. Kids bouncing of the walls. I am in the the kitchen and suddenly I hear a whomp. I run into the room where the tree is and the tree is flat on the floor! I think oh no, Liza is under there. No, Liza is in the other room. She ran when the tree started coming down after she pulled it. What a mess. Every ornament fell off. Some were smashed. Karen and I finally got it tied up so it would not fall again. Madeline and I redecorated it. Everything is ok. I asked Liza later, did you pull the tree down? Yes, she said. Did you run when it started falling. Yes.